The old version of me is dead. This one is better.

My husband and I would often reminisce back to the months leading up to my pregnancy. We ate so healthy; we were consistent in the gym (I had just achieved my first pull-up!); and our marriage was full of life. We prayed together frequently; our communication was on point; and our life was full of spontaneity. 

We would contrast this “dream life” that we once lived with the current reality of having a baby and feeling so exhausted that we had no mental capacity to meal prep, no time to go to the gym, and we felt  so emotionally depleted at the end of the day that there is so much room for miscommunications and way less room for intentionality in our marriage. It is a perfect sob story, right? Everything felt so obviously harder now. And maybe that is true. 

But recently, we were reminded of what Jesus talks about in the Bible — this concept of dying to yourself. Every single time I would look back to this “perfect dream” of the life we had before, I idolized it. I wanted to figure out how I could become that person again. I just couldn’t seem to let go of the idea that that version of me was so much better than the present day. But when I would look at things practically, I just couldn’t seem to figure out how to get back to that life since that life didn’t factor in taking care of a baby. Yet, this new life is completely centered around that. 

Things didn’t start clicking until I had a thought laying out the harsh reality: that old version of me is dead. And I don’t see it at all now, but this new version of me is going to be so much better. 

I had to let go of this unrealistic expectation that things would “go back to normal” because they were not ever going to. It was only then that I had the mental flexibility to start seeing what this new life could become. I started seeing the pockets of time that I could go to the gym with my baby’s schedule. Suddenly, I noticed recipes that are quick and easy but also healthy for this new lifestyle. Then, it was revealed to me how often my husband and I were just watching TV or scrolling on our phones  together instead of connecting after our baby went to sleep. 

These realizations made a path for embracing our new reality. And now, I don’t even want the “old life” back because this one is better in every way.